...I was sleeping in "the canoe" at the hospital, while Sarah tried to sleep in her hospital bed. It was a rough night to be sure.
Now we're three years on the other side . . . Sarah is 18 now, working part time and looking towards college part time in the fall. She is driving. She spends lots of time away from the house with her friends. How that affects me is the stuff of another post that I wrote at my other blog.
We see Faith and her sisters occasionally. Not as much as we should, I often feel, but life is just . . . busy , I guess.
Sarah is still deeply affected by the loss. She has never questioned whether she did the right thing, but she just misses her. She pulled me aside tonight and tried to explain to me how she still feels that a part of her is missing. Sarah did pregnancy so well, and to this day I'm still proud of her for the way she handled the whole thing.
This feels disjointed and awkward, but I felt that I needed to write something. We're going to Faith's birthday party tomorrow which she will share with her sister, Pearl. I know it well be a bittersweet day.
It has been an up and down year for us. We've both brought some great people into our lives, and we've both suffered some losses. Sarah's relationship with her mother is estranged and difficult, at best. She also had a boyfriend for awhile that she really liked, who hurt her. He still pops up from time to time and makes it that much more difficult. Growing up sucks. It's hard enough being grown up . . . at least I'm trying to be grown up . . . but getting here is a hell of a ride. All I can do is continue to be there for her when she wants me and stand aside when she doesn't. LOL . . . for Sarah too!
Here's to another year.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Saturday, December 19, 2009
It's still not over....
Back on July 23rd, 2007, I wrote that it would never be all over, and boy, was I right. Faith is now 2 and a half and we deal with some emotion from those decisions nearly every single day. Some days more than once a a day. Some days, the whole friggin' day.
Lately it's been more of the "whole friggin' day" days. Sarah has been exceptionally emotional with the Christmas season coming, due at least in part to the fact that the Smith's will not be home for Christmas this year. This is the year that they go up north to visit Jeff's family.
That, and she hasn't been visiting as much recently as she had been in the past. For whatever reason, she feels as though she's not as welcome as she once was at the Smiths' house. I'm sure there is something more to this whole thing, and thought that it might be a case of Susan not wanting to hurt any feelings and not enough communication.
So, tonight I got Susan on the phone. I told her what was going on on this end, and she explained a little more about what is going on on that end. Then she offered to talk to Sarah. Sarah took the phone and they talked for nearly a half hour. Sarah came back and said that she felt better and that they were going to talk more when the Smith's return home from vacation in a week.
I am now looking forward to a less emotional week ahead.
Lately it's been more of the "whole friggin' day" days. Sarah has been exceptionally emotional with the Christmas season coming, due at least in part to the fact that the Smith's will not be home for Christmas this year. This is the year that they go up north to visit Jeff's family.
That, and she hasn't been visiting as much recently as she had been in the past. For whatever reason, she feels as though she's not as welcome as she once was at the Smiths' house. I'm sure there is something more to this whole thing, and thought that it might be a case of Susan not wanting to hurt any feelings and not enough communication.
So, tonight I got Susan on the phone. I told her what was going on on this end, and she explained a little more about what is going on on that end. Then she offered to talk to Sarah. Sarah took the phone and they talked for nearly a half hour. Sarah came back and said that she felt better and that they were going to talk more when the Smith's return home from vacation in a week.
I am now looking forward to a less emotional week ahead.
Friday, July 17, 2009
It was two years ago today...
 |
| From Sarah and Faith |
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| From Faith's Birthday Trip to Disneyland |
Where has two years gone?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Been a long time...
...since I posted at this blog. I guess that's largely due to the fact that I'm not a PTD anymore. Faith will be 20 months old tomorrow.
Things are going well, for the most part. We visit Faith and the Smith's regularly, and since Sarah is in alternative ed. she spends many days over at their house helping out with the kids. Susan tells us that it is a blessing to have Sarah there, and it's helpful to hear that...because sometimes it just feels...weird. Not all the time, but sometimes.
Today was one of those days. Faith had surgery this morning to correct a submucousal cleft of the soft palate. More about the specifics of that here: http://www.cleftline.org/publications/submucous
Sarah and I went to the hospital early this morning and stayed while Faith was in surgery. We were talking about leaving to take Sarah over to be with the other girls when the doctor walked out. Everything went fine, but only Jeff and Susan would be allowed in to see her for a bit. So we went ahead and left.
On the drive, Sarah was upset and we talked about how sometimes she doesn't know what her boundaries are with Faith. She feels love for all three girls and doesn't worry about "boundaries" with the other girls, but it's different with Faith. Sarah goes out of her way to make sure that she tries to show each equivalent amounts of attention, but feels sometimes like she's "intruding". This morning was one of those times.
We talked about how she didn't really feel like she was welcome at the hospital, and I knew what she meant. I wrote it off as Jeff and Susan being, tired, distracted, and worried, but it isn't as easy for Sarah. I had to tell myself that "it's not about me", and again it's not easy for Sarah to do that.
Gotta run for now....more later....
Things are going well, for the most part. We visit Faith and the Smith's regularly, and since Sarah is in alternative ed. she spends many days over at their house helping out with the kids. Susan tells us that it is a blessing to have Sarah there, and it's helpful to hear that...because sometimes it just feels...weird. Not all the time, but sometimes.
Today was one of those days. Faith had surgery this morning to correct a submucousal cleft of the soft palate. More about the specifics of that here: http://www.cleftline.org/publications/submucous
Sarah and I went to the hospital early this morning and stayed while Faith was in surgery. We were talking about leaving to take Sarah over to be with the other girls when the doctor walked out. Everything went fine, but only Jeff and Susan would be allowed in to see her for a bit. So we went ahead and left.
On the drive, Sarah was upset and we talked about how sometimes she doesn't know what her boundaries are with Faith. She feels love for all three girls and doesn't worry about "boundaries" with the other girls, but it's different with Faith. Sarah goes out of her way to make sure that she tries to show each equivalent amounts of attention, but feels sometimes like she's "intruding". This morning was one of those times.
We talked about how she didn't really feel like she was welcome at the hospital, and I knew what she meant. I wrote it off as Jeff and Susan being, tired, distracted, and worried, but it isn't as easy for Sarah. I had to tell myself that "it's not about me", and again it's not easy for Sarah to do that.
Gotta run for now....more later....
Friday, August 17, 2007
One month on the other side
Faith is one month old today. It seems like it's been much longer than that. I just realized that I haven't seen Faith since she was a little over two weeks old. I bet she's changed a ton. Sarah got a chance to spend some time with Faith this past Monday when she joined them for a day at the park.
I just talked to Jeff (adoptive dad) because I was so shocked that it's only been a month, and he agreed that it seems like much longer. He said that Faith has changed very much in the last couple weeks. She's holding her head up, tracking objects, smiling, and making eye contact. Now I want to see her, but we and they are both busy this weekend, so it'll probably be next week sometime before I get to see her.
Sometimes this is harder than other times.
I just talked to Jeff (adoptive dad) because I was so shocked that it's only been a month, and he agreed that it seems like much longer. He said that Faith has changed very much in the last couple weeks. She's holding her head up, tracking objects, smiling, and making eye contact. Now I want to see her, but we and they are both busy this weekend, so it'll probably be next week sometime before I get to see her.
Sometimes this is harder than other times.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Signing papers
The ASP (Adoption Service Provider) is here right now going over the adoption paperwork with Sarah. This starts the "formal" process of adoption. After these papers are signed Sarah still has 30 days to change her mind. There is a process for giving up the 30 day waiting period, but according to the ASP it can take nearly 30 days to complete the process to give up the 30 days and it requires at least one trip up to Monterey Park, so it seems rather pointless to do that.
I don't know if this meeting will make it harder for Sarah....we'll see.
We're supposed to go over to the Smith's later this afternoon to celebrate another daughter's birthday and to see Faith.
I don't know if this meeting will make it harder for Sarah....we'll see.
We're supposed to go over to the Smith's later this afternoon to celebrate another daughter's birthday and to see Faith.
Monday, July 23, 2007
It's all over but the healing....
Well, not really. It won't ever be all over.
S was a champ through the whole thing. We went to the doctor for a test at 1 pm Monday afternoon. By 3:30 we were at the hospital. We didn't leave the hospital until 6:30 pm Wednesday.
The antenatal test was at the Kaiser hospital in Anaheim. Susan, the adoptive mother met us there. They did the first part of the test and found out that S's fluid was low. A nurse/midwife came in and checked S. They wanted to put her in the hospital right then. S had already expressed her desire to deliver at Irvine (where we had toured). They asked how important it was. S turned to me for help and I told them that I thought it was fairly important, that it really was a comfort level thing since she had already been to that hospital and toured it.
They called Irvine and found out that they had a bed open and could take her right away, so we got in the truck and drove to Irvine (with a stop at home for our stuff). No one ever came right out and said that they were concerned, but it seemed to me that they must be because they wanted her in the hospital right away.
We arrived at Irvine and went into Admitting. They asked if we were coming from Kaiser and sent us directly to the second floor. At the second floor, we gave them S's name and they took us directly to a room. Wow...what service.
Warning: things might get graphic after this. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there...so strap in or get out...
They started S on a IV right away. Some time later a doctor came in and did an exam and they started her on Pitocin, to start the contractions. At some point Donna, S's birth coach, arrived.
It kind of starts to all run together at that point. Susan and I spent Monday night with S in her room. Donna left sometime late that evening to sleep at home. I got the roll away bed, affectionately named "the canoe", and Susan pushed two recliners (neither of which reclined) together to sleep. S was up quite a few times during the night to go to the restroom, or just to get comfortable. Every time S moved, the monitors that were around her tummy got messed up and the nurse would come in and readjust them. I was up with her each time.
About 5:30 am Tuesday morning, the doctor (Doctor "Sausage Fingers", with his "bed hair") came in again and checked S. She was still at 2 cm. Doctor decided to break the water, and did. Ewww. He also put a fetal monitor in. No more belly band monitors after that. Not too long after that, the contractions started in earnest. S handled it like a trooper. Ok, she was a little cranky from time to time, but who wouldn't be?
As I said, things started to run together at some point. Donna came back somewhere along the way. Epidural got started sometime in there, and S was much happier after that. Early afternoon, the new doctor (Doctor "Shorty", a little Asian female doc)checked and S was only at about 3 cm, so she ordered more Pitocin. We talked Susan into going home to rest a little. Reluctantly, she did, with orders that I call if anything happened.
An hour or so later, the doctor checked again and S was at 8 cm. Now things really started to happen. I called Susan and she came back immediately. At some time, the doctor came back in and said we were going to have a baby.
Things started getting moved about the room. Carts and nurses came in. A big light was wheeled in. Part of S's bed was taken off and her little feet were put in the stirrups. Donna was on one side and I was on the other side. We helped her breathe and held her legs up while she pushed. She breathed and pushed, and breathed and pushed...rested and breathed and pushed some more.
All of the sudden, S breathed and pushed one last time and then there was this little miracle in the room. I was so damn proud of my baby girl I couldn't stand it. S was crying, Donna was crying, and I was crying. It was awesome. It was an experience that I had been denied up until this point, and I'm honored that my baby girl let me be a part of it...standing right there holding her hand through it all.
S was awesome through the whole thing. I couldn't have been more proud of her. Through this whole nine months, she did everything right. She read up on the internet on every stage of the pregnancy and knew what was going on all along. She made all the right decisions, especially the big, difficult decision about the adoption.
Faith Danielle Kennedy (so much for the anonymity that I've been protecting for nine months...I'm so proud of Sarah and Faith that I no longer care who knows) was born at 4:59 pm on Tuesday 7-17-07, at a weight of 8 lbs, 4 ozs and a length of 20 3/4 inches. She's an awesome (I know I keep using that word, but I can't come up with another word that describes it better) little girl and so is my little girl Sarah.
More later...
S was a champ through the whole thing. We went to the doctor for a test at 1 pm Monday afternoon. By 3:30 we were at the hospital. We didn't leave the hospital until 6:30 pm Wednesday.
The antenatal test was at the Kaiser hospital in Anaheim. Susan, the adoptive mother met us there. They did the first part of the test and found out that S's fluid was low. A nurse/midwife came in and checked S. They wanted to put her in the hospital right then. S had already expressed her desire to deliver at Irvine (where we had toured). They asked how important it was. S turned to me for help and I told them that I thought it was fairly important, that it really was a comfort level thing since she had already been to that hospital and toured it.
They called Irvine and found out that they had a bed open and could take her right away, so we got in the truck and drove to Irvine (with a stop at home for our stuff). No one ever came right out and said that they were concerned, but it seemed to me that they must be because they wanted her in the hospital right away.
We arrived at Irvine and went into Admitting. They asked if we were coming from Kaiser and sent us directly to the second floor. At the second floor, we gave them S's name and they took us directly to a room. Wow...what service.
Warning: things might get graphic after this. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there...so strap in or get out...
They started S on a IV right away. Some time later a doctor came in and did an exam and they started her on Pitocin, to start the contractions. At some point Donna, S's birth coach, arrived.
It kind of starts to all run together at that point. Susan and I spent Monday night with S in her room. Donna left sometime late that evening to sleep at home. I got the roll away bed, affectionately named "the canoe", and Susan pushed two recliners (neither of which reclined) together to sleep. S was up quite a few times during the night to go to the restroom, or just to get comfortable. Every time S moved, the monitors that were around her tummy got messed up and the nurse would come in and readjust them. I was up with her each time.
About 5:30 am Tuesday morning, the doctor (Doctor "Sausage Fingers", with his "bed hair") came in again and checked S. She was still at 2 cm. Doctor decided to break the water, and did. Ewww. He also put a fetal monitor in. No more belly band monitors after that. Not too long after that, the contractions started in earnest. S handled it like a trooper. Ok, she was a little cranky from time to time, but who wouldn't be?
As I said, things started to run together at some point. Donna came back somewhere along the way. Epidural got started sometime in there, and S was much happier after that. Early afternoon, the new doctor (Doctor "Shorty", a little Asian female doc)checked and S was only at about 3 cm, so she ordered more Pitocin. We talked Susan into going home to rest a little. Reluctantly, she did, with orders that I call if anything happened.
An hour or so later, the doctor checked again and S was at 8 cm. Now things really started to happen. I called Susan and she came back immediately. At some time, the doctor came back in and said we were going to have a baby.
Things started getting moved about the room. Carts and nurses came in. A big light was wheeled in. Part of S's bed was taken off and her little feet were put in the stirrups. Donna was on one side and I was on the other side. We helped her breathe and held her legs up while she pushed. She breathed and pushed, and breathed and pushed...rested and breathed and pushed some more.
All of the sudden, S breathed and pushed one last time and then there was this little miracle in the room. I was so damn proud of my baby girl I couldn't stand it. S was crying, Donna was crying, and I was crying. It was awesome. It was an experience that I had been denied up until this point, and I'm honored that my baby girl let me be a part of it...standing right there holding her hand through it all.
S was awesome through the whole thing. I couldn't have been more proud of her. Through this whole nine months, she did everything right. She read up on the internet on every stage of the pregnancy and knew what was going on all along. She made all the right decisions, especially the big, difficult decision about the adoption.
Faith Danielle Kennedy (so much for the anonymity that I've been protecting for nine months...I'm so proud of Sarah and Faith that I no longer care who knows) was born at 4:59 pm on Tuesday 7-17-07, at a weight of 8 lbs, 4 ozs and a length of 20 3/4 inches. She's an awesome (I know I keep using that word, but I can't come up with another word that describes it better) little girl and so is my little girl Sarah.
More later...
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